grant gets gay

march 27, 2003

Hooooo-boy! This one's a doooozy! So for Grant's latest column he was required to go to a gay bar, act gay (which if you know Grant you know isn't much of a *ahem* stretch) and try to see if he can get picked up by gay guys. Best explained by the man himself, here's an excerpt from the full article: "What if I were to interact with a group that ostensibly thought and acted like me? Namely, other gentlemen. I'm guessing that, like hetero guys, gay men like to at least talk straight. And, as men, they also think about sex every seven seconds on average. In a setting where I could shrug off the whole Mars/Venus residency issue, would my advances be more enthusiastically received?" On with the experiment... The Hole: 10pm. (Me, Grant and Eric). He'd spent the last few weeks toning up at the gym to ensure maximum "twinkness." Three and a half years of living in New York City and I witness my first barfight in a gay bar. Who woulda thunk? One night when we were out like two years ago, Grant busted out his impressoin of "Molly Ringwald in every 80's movie" dance-move and cracked us all up. But ever since then, everytime he tries to dance, he inadvertently ends up doing the same Molly Ringwald dance - it just happens and he can't seem to stop. For once, the total and complete gayness that said dance move conjures, worked in his favor. You go, girlfriend! Remember that guy making faces at Grant in this photo at our Holiday Party? Well he's been identified! His name is Timmy and as soon as Grant met him he kept trying to get Timmy back by making funny faces behind his back, but Timmy kept cathing him. Remember Waldo? Here's a page from my forthcoming book "Where's Gaydo?" (You'll note that he's still doing "the Molly.") G-Sto on the dancefloor getting some sweet "hot dog in the bun" action. All aboard the "ManTrain." Noice! Tracey and Timmy. Look, Britney Spears! Timmy goes in for the kiss. And yo, check out that groomed neck-beard! Hotness! BLAMO! We have full on tounge-in-mouth action (and I managed to get an even better shot of Timmy's overly-manicured, faux chin-line). And check out homeboy there smiling in the background. His enjoyment of the situation should've served as a forewarning...keep that guy in mind - he'll be back with a vengeance in a few... Also, since Grant's been trying to play down this kiss like it wasn't a big deal (and brother, who can blame him?), I'd like to point something out: the flash on my camera takes approximately 20 seconds to recharge. Look at that first pic...think about my camera needing 20 whole seconds to recharge...then look at the second kiss. Got the willies yet?) Remeber that smiley guy from the previous pic? Next thing I know, he's trying to shuck my face like a clam... I escaped, unscathed. (...for now...) Eric and I totally set Grant up on this one: I waited with the camera ready and Eric pretending that he had to tell Grant something and then when Grant leaned in: BLAMO! (or at least that's the story that I'm supposed to tell if you know what I'm saying). Oh, and did i mention that I apparently have a gay, bizzaro twin? Check him out. Cah-cah-creepy, right? Do you know what's creepier? Turning around like 20 seconds later to find Grant hooking up with him. Hahahaha. *shudder* Later in the evening this started getting out of hand. Grant finally managed to get Timmy back (er, sort of). Grant also managed to get me back by conspiring with Eric to snap this pic of Eric planting one on me. Throw in a few more drinks... ...and we finally managed to blend in at The Hole. "Haaaaaay!" See this broken door? Remember the guy that tried to pry my mouth open? He got really drunk and rowdy and while I was in the bathroom peeing, I guess he thought it would be funny to start kicking the door. He got a little over-zealous (or maybe "freaked the fuck out" would be more accurate) and instead kicked the door completely off the hinges. That's right - I'm standing in the the 4'x4' bathroom peeing when suddenly the door explodes in pieces. (Thank god my dick was already out - otherwise I would've pissed my pants). So I zip up and come out screaming "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and he just shrugged and looked embarrassed. So after we leave, who do we see sitting on the sidewalk just a few feet from the broken door slumped against the building next to a pile of his own vomit? (Suddenly his little, matching denin Osh-Gosh-esque outfit seemed apropo). That's right, it's the evil door kicker! Regardless of the rough shape he was in, he was still a good enough sport to wipe the puke from his chin and coldlamp for this supremely awesome pic.

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