christmas with the battjers

december 23, 2004

Meredith (a Jew!) came out to New Jersey to experience Christmas with my family (minus my little brother who was in Ohio with his girlfriend's family. Traitor). See Also: Christmas with The Battjers 2003 Christmas with the Battjers 2002 (includes White Power Santa!) A Christmas Story 2001 (inludes Midget Madness!) Thursday, December 23rd I'll kick this entry off in Meredith's apartment with a re-cap of a few of the presents I received - here are my glow in the dark skull socks! And what better way to head into New Jersey than with a supertight 50%-spandex muscle tee? Oh, and here's a pic of the Holiday Card Meredith received in the mail from her friend Chessa. She took one of Meredith's old modeling pics, cropped it super-close and then stamped a "YOU'RE A JEW!" menorah on her forehead. Hahaha. Classy! We met up with my parents and then headed down to south Jersey to visit the Birds (they're my Great Uncle and Aunt). Here's me with my dad. My dad's brother, Bruce and his girlfriend Elyse. Here's the alternative version. Hahah. Present time! My Great Aunt Ann is my dad's father's step-sister...which means that I pretty much can't name you one single person in any of these photos! But hey, presents! Woohoo! Back in Roxbury later that night we ended up going to Muldoon's Saloon to meet up with a bunch of my friends from high school. Here's Rob Berliner and Jen Hoche. Me and Amy Albano! We ended up at the Victoria Diner... where we all ate fried stuff smothered in cheese and gravy. Friday, December 24th On Friday morning, my dad and I hit the town to do some last minute Christmas shopping. We stopped at the pharmacy and I saw my first ever eye patch for sale. I don't know why this makes me laugh, but it does. It certainly doesn't make me laugh as hard as this... ...holiday-themed bathroom grafitto (which is the gramatically correct singular form of the more commonly misused "graffiti") that was scribbled above the urinal in the Ledgewood Mall bathroom. Check out her festive elf hat! And hey, is that a bell on top? Back at my parent's house, Meredith was marveling at our tree. (Ok, more likely she was marveling at the fact that my parents have their tree plugged into a Clapper.) These are Meredith photos of where I was teaching my mom a game where you take turns pretending you're laughing in an attempt to make the other person laugh for real. I lost. Later in the afternoon, we went down the street to the Hogg's House (they claim it's pronounced HOAG...yeah, right!) - they're friends of my parents and have a yearly Xmas party. They have two kids and so there are always a few random Roxbury High School alumni sightings! Here's Meredith with Matt Anderson and Tim Beech! All of the kids usually end up hiding in the corner by the food and get krunked on free Scotch! Check out my huge, mooney I'm drunk at 2pm face. Hahah. After the party, we came back to my house and snuck up to my old high school bedroom to write cards and wrap gifts (and no, my room didn't look like that in high school. I had waaaay more Iron Maiden posters up. Somewhere in the twelve years since I moved out, my mom redecorated my room and turned it into Wussland. Maiden still rules, though. Seriously). Writing out last minute sentiments to Maw and Paw. Lefties write funny. How jealous are you of my fine art skills? Fully wrapped and ready to go, we headed downstairs to discover that my parents had been plenty busy with a project of their own... ...uh-oh! Look who got their very own monogrammed stocking over the chimney this year! In gold sparkle-glue! (Pssst - I think they like you or something). (I only got red sparkle-glue on mine.) We raided the stockings and found the usual goodies.... ...Christmas-themed cookies and more importantly... ...New Jersey Lottery Scratch Offs! Hahah. Look at my parents getting all serious with their scratchers. Hahaha. No win for you! And then it was time for the "Holiday Portraits" in front of the fireplace. Here's my mom and dad (how cute are they in their matching red shirts?)... ...and here's me and Mer. (You love my Christmas sweater - go on, say it). Then it was time to open presents! Meredith got my parents some fancy French wines. Woooo! Here's me with my comedy shirt from Aunt Barb and Uncle Tom! Merdith got a hat and gloves from my parents (She was coming to church for the first time and needed something to cover up her Jew horns and claws). Meredith got my mom... ...all sorts of mulling spices to make ciders and wines! My dad informed my mom that he'd gotten her something "really good" and excused himself to fetch it from a secret hiding place. Here's my mom waiting with anticipation for what turned out to be... ...a new golf driver! Too bad my mom hates golf! Hahahah. My parents recently bought a new house down in Florida that's right on a golf course and since then my dad's pulling out all the stops trying to get my mom more involved in golf. She hate it! Here's me with my portable Wolverine drive! (When you're traveling, you can copy over the pictures from your full memory cards to this little bad boy, then erase the cards and keep shooting). After we were done opening presents, we had a contest to see who could turn the Christmas tree on from the greatest distance (the tree's hooked up to a clapper, remember?). Here's me celebrating my win all the way from across the room. My dad said my ability to clap the loudest probalby had something to do with my "callused palms." Whatever that means. hahaha. Mmmmm...pan-fried pierogies before bed. Saturday, December 25th Here's Merdith and my Christmas portrait impression of my parent's matching outfits. In honor of the baby Jesus' birthday, Meredith even put on make up! We hopped in my parents car and drove, ohh approximately six houses down the street to have Christmas dinner at The Little's house. (The Little's are my parent's closest friends in their neighborhood). Mom manned the stove... ...while my dad carved and Mr. Little worked on carving the bird and the ham, respectively. Setting up the dining room. My mom even made veggie raviolis for Meredith. (Her own stocking? Special veggie ravilois? Jeez!) My dad cleverly improvised a tripod out of two collapsable TV-food trays. Here's the Xmas Dinner pic. Jordan, Jeanine, Pappi, My mom, Dave and Pat Litte and Mer and me. I turned one of the candle decorations into a festive Christmas earring. Vegetarian Meredith was obsessed with all the foreign meat-related cooking items. Like Gravy Master here. And the turkey carcass in general. There were like 30 different semi-grotesque shots like this of the bird on her cam. Hahaha. Because I didn't help cook, I got voted to be the dishwasher. Bollocks. Here's Jeanine and her husband Jordan. Jeanine had always said that when she got married, she planned on keeping her maiden name, or at least hyphenating it. But I'm guessing that was before she'd met her future husband-to-be: Jordan Hyman. (Her last name's Little. Please don't make me spell it out for you). Here's my parent's house all tricked-out for Christmas. Yo, my family don't play around... ...even the shed gets a wreath, sucka! Later that night, Rachael, Emily, Meredith and I headed up to the very classy Pat's Bar in Landing, NJ (it's sort of become a holiday tradition over the years). Rachael and me (I'm just noticing now how much that black sweater of mine shrunk in the was - it's starting to looking like a god-damned baby-tee. Jesus.) Meredith and M.L.E... ...were the first people in history brave enough to try to turn the area behind the pool table into a "dance floor." (If you're a guy, this usually results in an asskicking. If you're a girl, it's usually interpreted by the male patrons that you're "asking for it.") Check out Rachael and Emily's expressions: can you guess which one of these two had the idea to order shots of Rumplemintz? Hahah. But they certainly do make you feel all warm and snuggly inside. I even managed to get a kiss! Rachael and I teamed up on the pool table and went undefeated against the rest of the patrons at Pat's for like six straight games. In fact, we never actually lost a game; instead, we decided to retire (and leave Pat's in general) when one of the really drunk patrons who was tired of us winning (and probably tired of me being there with the only three women who had full sets of teeth) threw a pool cue at me. Despite having about 6" and 50lbs on the guy - it was Jesus' Birthday so we decided it best to be on our Merry way (well that, and the fact that I'm a huge pussy). We headed to the Victoria Diner yet again for another round of fried food covered in melted cheese and gravy. Meredith and her late night breakfast. I have no idea why Emily and I are making these awesome faces. I only know that they're awesome. Check out this shot of Rachael and Vinnie. Vinnie, as you may remember , is the dude who picked up an interested and willing Rachael, but never stepped up to the plate and closed the deal. In this photo it's clear that Rachael's thinking "Is this guy ever gonna try to kiss me?" While it's equally clear what's on Vinnie's mind: "I wonder if the pie comes with ice cream or if I'll have to order that separately?" ave to order that separately After the diner, we pulled into Emily's parent's driveway to drop her off and were momentary blinded... ...by the her parent's nativity lawn-tribute to Christ! Emily scrambled out of the car to try to stop us, but she was too late... ...there was a Jew on the loose! Luckily she only wanted to share her scarf with Mary and Joseph and... ...give them holiday kisses. Meredith reminded us, "They're Jews too!" Sunday, December 26th On Sunday, Meredith and I went to some museum in Newark with my parents. They had a rad collection of some truly scary African masks. But the best part was the little indoor zoo they had upstairs. Here's a dwarf mongoose! A baby cotton-top tamarin! Later that night we paid a visit to Scott to hang out and give his kids Christmas presents. Here's Abby with Uncle Bri! Big boy Liam. Abby agin. Liam schooling me on dinosaurs! Monday, December 27th On Monday morning it snowed! Here's my dad shoveling the deck before taking Meredith and I to the train station. Merry Christmas! (added on 12.29.2005)

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