january roundup part one

january 2005

Hey everyone! Guest-writer Grant Stoddard here! So Jake and I scored an all-expenses-paid trip to Finland. Here's a look at our seven crazy-ass days before meeting up with Brian in Helsinki! Jake Bronstein is the master of calling in free swag. I couldn't believe that he hooked us up with a free trip to the Arctic. When I told him that I didn't have a winter jacket the fucker got on the horn with Columbia and they sent us 2 grand's worth of schwag. Wicked. Here's me in my free fur hat, free fleece and totally gratis outer jacket. Wednesday, January 26th The long and arduous journey on the A train to JFK was made bearable by Jake's hair impersonations. Here's his Graydon Carter. Jake seemed to think that we could pass unnoticed into the business class "Admiral's Club." As I predicted, We went over like a reggae band at a KKK rally. Here's Jake ready to ensure the security of his member. Read it and weep. We went from ashy to classy in one fell swoop. Admiral's club just means you get plates of baby carrots and ranch dressing, but you get to do it in leather chairs, while businessmen give you shitty looks. Pimping, contrary to popular belief, IS reletively easy...as long as someone else is paying for it. Here's magic man Jake Bronstein, luxuriating in his business class seat with a glass of bubbly. For a laugh, Brian and I told him that Finns hate Jews so for the duration of the trip he was going as Jack Brownstone. Incidentally, the flight attendant was understandably cynical about our first class credentials. As I was snapping this pic he dove onto my chair to check if we were legit. Jake busted him looking, he got all scared and said he was "getting my sweatshirt so that he could hang it in the captain's locker". In business they give you menus, wine lists, and silverware you could totally hijack a plane with. Some pre-dinner beerskis... Getting all Hamas with a hot towel. Most people talk smack abouit airline food, but let me tell you, in the *front * of the plane, it's the shit. This meal right here was the best food I'd had in a year. Aw...cute. I swore at Jake and then... ...he tossed me off under the covers. (They also give you packs of mayo that make for sweet under the blanket handjob action). Jake kept telling me that the trip wasn't exactly free. An awesome breakfast to put us in good stead for.... Helsinki; the daughter of the Baltic! As you'd expect it was very neat and orderly... ...not to mention colder than a witches tit in a brass bra. Tired but happy. So we got to stay at the Hotel Kamp which is widely regarded as the best in Northern Europe. The plan was to get some shut eye after the red eye but we were really too excited to sleep.At about the same time we discovered that our rooms had phones next to the toilets. So we got to work and shared a moment. My room... ...the view from my room. The maid's view of me in my room. This really doesn't do the room's at the hotel Kamp justice. Our rooms were awesome. They had phones next to the crapper. Check it out! Too psyched to nap away the jet-lag we went out and about in downtown Helsinki. Here's Jake on a road with some slush on it. This is the harbour, the body of water is the Baltic Sea. This I'm guessing is some ice. (It's so fucking cold here THE OCEAN freezes). Me in an alley... The welcoming commitee knew we were coming. U S A! U S A! Me trying to look all Soviet and shit. Dinner that night was with a ton of people from Finlandia Vodka. Jake and brand ambassador, Marku. Me and the always lovely Kim of Brown-Forman (the company that does PR for Finlandia). Vodka is their business, and business is good. At this point, total intoxication was added to our feeling of jet lag. This is Darren of Out Traveller magazine (as in out of the closet, not like "out and about"). He was one of the the writers on the trip and was intent on bagging a Finn. Those fresh silver coats are given to you as you enter the bar we were in... ...as it is entirely made of ice and kept at 10° fahrenheit year-round. Turns out the Devil doesn't ALWAYS wear Prada. Menu, made of ice, naturally. Me and Darren putting the cold in cold lamping. Jake putting the GRRRRR in Grundle-fuzz. Jake: "No! I said I want to jump into an ICE hole while I'm here." Finlandia is good drinkin', yo. ...and as you can see it come in a variety of tangy-ass flavors. Get crunk and then... Get the fuck out before your face freezes. This is me beginning to freeze. Some Finlandia...mmmm delish. Jake tempted fate. I cheated nausea... Darren meets hypothermia. Here's Jake taking the first of over 90 similar self portraits. Hour 35 without sleep. The other writers went back to the hotel while we hit a bar that the kids hang out at. The guy begind us is Gus. He was editor from Hombre magazine. Yeah, we thought it was a porno mag to but we were wrong. That's Honcho. Hombre is a Latin lifestyle mag. Gus kept wanting to tell us about "something that changed his life". Turns out it was Landmark Forum. Boo. My second cigarette ever! (A brave move considering what happened after my first cigarette). Me plus a glassy-eyed Augusto. A very unattractive body part. Oh, and my nuts. Good and drunk, Jake and I decided to go back to my room... and take silly pictures of our silly hair. ha ha ha ha... Looking at the pictures made us realize it was time for... BUDGET BARBER SHOP! Just a little off the top and I'm... ...Instantly tough! Jake looking grizzly. Yet strangely alluring. Jake, insisiting only on a trim, called reception for fiskars at 3.20am and didn't tip the bell hop. Awesome! And this is just the hair that came off his ass. This was a really silly idea. Though he'll look more at home in business class on the way home. We had to get up at 7:45 the next morning to go to a (*wretch*) 8:30 vodka tasting at the local Finlandia bottling plant. The only thing keeping us awake was the promise of a co-ed sauna experience. "WHAT A COUNTRY!" No idea what this is. I'm starting to understand why Brian always keeps notes when he travels. Big eye! Okay so here is where Finlandia is bottled. These next few pictures speak for themselves. Dude's all chilling. Checking bottles an' shit. Factory floor. Finishing the factory tour and getting ready for the tasting. Jake and I both guessed that Finlandia was both more tasty and nutritious than any other vodka on the market and became official Masters of Vodka. We then hopped on a plane and flew north, WAY north,to Lapland: the part of Finland that's in the Arctic Circle. As we stepped off the plane, I realized what cold really is. At this point it was -51 degrees CENTIGRADE! (That's -60 degress Fahrenheit.) BRRR. This is the Real World-esque cab where we stayed while in the Arctic. More branded ice sculptures. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is Karen Hamlin. One of the crew of writers on the trip. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun we got out of Karen. What a doll. Girlfriend brought a week's supply of peanut better and jelly sandwiches because she had no idea of what Finnish cuisine would be like! (Actually, after 6 straight days of reindeer, I kind of saw her point.) Anyway, earlier on in the night, we asked Karen about her ideal man and she told us that she liked older men and that she always dreamed that "one day she'd be swept off her feet by a handsome shipping typhoon." Hahaha. Later that evening there was a knock on Jake and my door and when we opened it, we were greeted by Karen in this hot lil' ensemble. After some awkward silence, she coyly told us that maybe she'd been too hasty earlier when she said she just fantisized about older men. (And you thought sub-zero temperatures did a number on your erection!) (You can read a whole lot more about Karen - most of it in her own words! - on Jake's website). It winked at me! This was a magic fridge. Anytime we took booze or food from any of the fridges, it would be magically replaced within the hour. I like weather this cold; It's not often I get to rock my aqua head sock. Snowmobiling time! Without being asked to show our driver's licences we were each given thermal overalls and a powerful snowmobile with which to speed over the tundra! (PS- It says "Jew" next to my head.) This is Jordan (another writer) and I on one of the breaks we took, enroute to ice fishing. Turns out I can drive 55. AND then some. I was risking all to take this high speed pic. So very, very cold. Awesome. This is the lake where we went fishing. We were first given giant steel corkscrews to get through twenty some inches of ice, then sat in the cold for an hours as the fish underneath mocked us. We warmed up in this little hut were we ate salmon stew (from a more successful fishing trip) and other tasty vittles. The next day, we went on another wintry adventure: huskie racing! Jake's husky impersonation. Huddling for warmth. A dog. Some dogs. More dogs... Jake making friends with one of the dogs in his team. Afterwards we went into a little hut for food, drink and thawing. This picture was taken shortly before Karen lent into the hearth and her hair caught fire. Laugh? We almost cried. After huskies it was Avanto time. The Finnish tradition of dunking yourself into a hole cut into a frozen lake. They build a little shack around the hole, but it doesn't make it any warmer in there. Me: How's the water? Jake: I can't feel my legs. Here's the shack from the outside. A little motor stops the water from freezing solid. Remember the air temperature is -51 C. THAT'S MINUS 60 FAHRENHEIT! Jake was pissed that a there wasn't a picture of him emerging from the water so he actually went in a second time.(!) After dunking we had to run 125 yards across the lake and up a steep bank through 5 feet of snow to the sauna and showers. It was during this mad dash that my left eye actually froze shut. I have to say that after the Avanto, you feel incredible for the rest of the night. We spent our last day Lapland on a Reindeer farm. Here is Jake and a Laplander in traditional garb. Me and snow. They look cool but after the huskies they didn't seem to move very fast. Jake and winter wonderland. Contemplative Bronstein. A fuzzy ass. Oh and a reindeer too. Jake pretending that we were going faster than walking pace. One horned reindeer. This would make an awesome postcard. (Not a great caption, but I'm so right about the postcard bit, huh?) Me and snowbank. The the best thing about Lapland: you don't ever have to choose between your hankering for coffee or your handering for salmon. Get them both taken care of in one convenient place! Here's Kim at Santa's Village. This is the REAL Santa. Jake ended up writing an article for the foreign issues of FHM magazine about returning his shitty Xmas gifts to Santa. He tried to get all up in his grille but St Nick totally shut him down. From Santa's villae we went to the snow hotel. That's right, a hotel made entirely of ice and snow. At this point in the trip Jake had had enough of reindeer. So much so that he offered the owner of this particular reindeer $20 if he could punch his reindeer in the face. (And this kid has the nerve to claim being on Road Rules didn't totally fuck him up!) Ice futon! Awesome kicks. That night the snow hotel was playing host to the Finlandia Cup, in which making vodka cocktails is turned into a competitive sport. By this point I'd already decided against a night in the snow hotel and crashed in a regular hotel across town. Jake however kicked it all night and made out with a MILF. Jake settling in for crappiest night's sleep known to man. The snow hotel. Meanwhile, I got me some reindeer chops at the Red Roof Inn. Mmmmmm. Karen, was alwasy losing her shit. Here she is being re re re united with her clothes and sandwiches. After an hour's drunken sleep in the snow hotel., Jordan wasn't looking his best. It's 6.30 am at this point. I almost shit my pants laughing when... ...a Finn Air flight attendant spilt an entire drink in Jake's lap. Jordan, hat backwards, mashed. En Route back to Helsinki where Brian would be joining us from Estonia. Back to you, Bri Bri (added on 03.07.2006)

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